John Carter of New Orleans

I recently finished reading “The Sky People”, which is basically a reconstruction of the old planetary romance genre that was typified by Robert Howard’s John Carter stories. The main character definitely fits into the mould of Howard’s hero, who was played by Taylor Kitsch in the recent movie. I liked that movie. But I have a better reason for mentioning this. Slightly better. Marc, the central character of this novel, has a habit of slipping frequently into a Cajun accent, which was a salient quality of Gambit, another character Kitsch portrayed. Despite the fact that Marc’s haircut was specifically described in a manner that didn’t match up with anything I’ve ever seen upon the head of the actor, I consistently imagined the novel’s protagonist to be a conflation of Taylor Kitsch in “John Carter of Mars” and Taylor Kitsch in “X-Men Origins” throughout my time with the book. It definitely didn’t detract from my experience.

Update on Sunday, August 3, 2014 at 11:39PM by Jaymes Buckman

Bonus Question!

John Carter versus Gambit? Gambit.

The Scorpion God

I went to see “Hercules”. In honesty, a significant factor in this decision was my desire to see some manner of worthy successor to “The Scorpion King”. You know what I mean. One that features the apparently inimitable Dwayne Johnson. Among other things.

It wasn’t quite that. For one thing, it did that whole thing of deliberately throwing in ambiguity about the more obviously fantastical elements of Hercules’s legend. It wasn’t offensively heavy about that, though. Altogether, I think that the film felt more like a Conan story than anything else.

On the other hand, the dude just said that he was split between playing Shazam and Black Adam. That’s basically a choice between Greek and Egyptian flavours of divinely wrought mojo, and now he has experience with both. I’d probably put my favour behind the latter. The whole bit of the ancient foreign conqueror seems to work better with the dude’s complexion and general demeanour than the concept of a suburban kid with god powers. I think that Billy Batson would be closer to the Disney version of Hercules. I should say that that might be my favourite adaptation of the tale, though. At least in cinema. The show was pretty good in its own right too.

In either scenario, a solid dose of mythic Dwayne Johnson action seems to be imminent. That’s generally conducive to a good time.

Update on Sunday, July 27, 2014 at 02:09PM by Jaymes Buckman

Bonus Question!

Best Hercules outside of cinema? Mmm . . . Greg Pak's.

The Sound of Flight

Beyond a fine facade of cloud,

Her spirit struts across the air.

In welkin's eviternal shroud,

She wears her hopes upon her hair

Like jewels that sultry visions bring

Of foreign skies where wishes wing.

A chain of prayers adorns a chest

That fortune's fickle rays have scarred.

It shimmers through with futures blessed

By shifty strands of vague regard.

Below it rests a painted clasp

Of hues that wait before her grasp.

A brace of metal hugs her wrist.

It bears a gem upon its face

That twinkles with each moment's twist

To gird for time's mechanic pace.

The formless tricks of fate's reveal

Reflect within its fluid steel.

No sooth assaults her free delight.

It's lost amid the sound of flight.

School's Out! Tools Out!

Last night’s show was a really fine time. Everything went well despite the fact that the bassist and the drummer hadn’t even been in the same room since May. In that respect, it was slightly reminiscent of all of those early shows we had at which the guys in the rhythm section barely knew each other. After you’ve played with people who haven’t even met each other, stuff like last night is no cause for worry.

Brozone

And that's how you make a monkey with a gun on the back of a horse look bland.

I often feel a faint bit of skepticism whenever people talk about the ostensibly insidious ways in which fast food companies market to children. Like McDonald’s with their toys and stuff? Like . . . We are talking about the same kids here, aren’t we? Those little people with fast metabolisms who don’t have jobs? Those guys? Those are the children in question? To my knowledge, those things tend to possess little in the way of practical autonomy. They also tend to want everything. They have desires that inevitably develop the capacity for refusal in any parent that has a steady working relationship with the laws of reality. In practice, I really can’t see the difference between denying a request for a bucket of fries and a supersonic jetpack. Both are common requests among young humanoids. You’ve obviously had experience with shooting down one of those ideas. The other shouldn’t be too much harder.

And McDonald’s actually makes it particularly easy. The salient draw in their campaign is the toy. That’s what whips the youths into a furor in most scenarios. But you can buy the toy without the food. It’s not even really a secret. It’s actually easier to walk in and get the toy than it is to attain the restaurant’s nutritional information sheet from the cashier. At least they always know what you’re talking about in the former case.

If you agree to walk in and buy the toy, the appetite will swiftly disappear in a haze of distraction.

I probably haven’t eaten at that place since middle school, but I was in ninth grade or something when “The Incredibles” came out, and I had a gusto for that Frozone figurine. Was there a reason for this? I’m rather inclined to doubt it.

But I walked in and said, “Hey! Give me that Frozone!”

And the guy said, “Um . . . Alright. That’ll be $4?”

“Ha! You foolish bastard! I would have given you $8 for it!”

“And I’m the foolish bastard?”

And that’s when I realised. This was never about Frozone at all. This . . . This was about Brozone.

And he said, “Uh . . . What’s Brozone?”

And I looked right at him. Our eyes locked. We made the connection. We felt the power rise within us. As our souls met in automatic understanding, I said, “It’s the name of our band, dude.”

Obviously, it never went anywhere, for that story was almost entirely fictional.

I did get that Frozone figurine, though.

Update on Sunday, July 6, 2014 at 03:06PM by Jaymes Buckman

Bonus Question!

Can Brozone be a real thing? Please?

Maybe.