Sunday
Feb172013

Ego Relations

I think that I might have a malfunctioning superego. At the very least, it doesn't seem to be a very motivated one. It's supposed to mediate relations between my ego and my id, isn't it? It doesn't seem to want to have any part in the whole affair. Indeed, it seems to prefer to leave them to collude and constantly make their own little deals. Small, insidious machinations of immediate profit and ignored cost. The superego doesn't give a thought to it.

"You guys do what you do. I don't want to listen. Fingers in my ears. Lalala! I'll just be in the living room, watching 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'. I don't want to hear anything from the two of you for the next three hours. Actually, if one of you could get me a smoothie, that'd be great. Otherwise, I don't want to be disturbed. At all."

Then one of the other two yells, "What kind of smoothie do you want?"

"Banana!"

"You're getting green apple! You hear me, you bastard? Green apple!"

Sunday
Feb102013

Agents of CHANGE: A Prose Comic

Alright. Here’s the thing. I’ve been wanting to make a comic book for a bit of a while, but I’ve never been able to find an illustrator. I played around with slices of scripts for a while, but scripts just aren’t eminently interesting when they’re not tailored for the needs of someone who is actually going to translate them into a visual medium. Therefore, I’ve decided to write some scenes of this story out in prose and put them up here. If you know anyone who would like to draw a highly unlikely story of steampunk superspies in some vague version of Victorian England that never really could have existed, I would like to know. I might just keep intermittently posting these little script pieces until I find someone. Love and luck.

 

Oh. I just realised that pasting the story into this box messed with the format, but I don't want to worry about that right now. Enjoy.

 

 

                                                                        Agents of CHANGE

 

Overwrought in the sullied finery of deceased queens, a lone form thrusts itself through the midnight air. Leading with a greasy sneer, his bounds between the buildings of New Great Europe’s eponymous capital are unimpeded by his elaborate garb, the improperly mixed adornments of various exotic aristocracies from bygone eras. In the middle of his final jump, fueled only by adrenaline and a small set of enhancing enchantments, he pulls the edge of his frock above his rising knee and further away from the regal dignity of its original design. He slides his free hand down into one newly exposed leather boot to bring out the knife that he stored there in a moment of rare foresight. He hits the ground before he notices its absence.

“Looking for this?” asks a mocking, unwashed voice.

At this, the impractically dressed leaper takes his hand from his boot and brushes a few silvery tips of sable hair from his brow. He turns to face the speaker, one of a pair of thugs that has just landed on the rooftop behind him, and sees his blade in the man’s hand.

“I was. Yeah. How did you know?”

“You threw it at us five minutes ago. Right before you ran away.”

“Oh. Hm. Did you happen to see where I got it?” His hands rise to his head again as he asks the question. They move through his unkempt hair, sifting through soft strands and random tangles.

“You pulled it out of that boot.”

“At least I did one thing right.”

Leaving no opportunity for a response, his hands withdraw from his scalp with a pair of superfluous hairpins that he hastily throws at the men across the roof. Twin chrome needles charge towards their marks before any evasion is possible. One penetrates the eye of its target while the other brings swift death to his companion by the simple virtue of a hole in the throat.

The two thugs lie on the ground as the agent of their defeat, a thug blessed with the demeanour of a lord, staggers toward them with a drunkard’s approximation of grace. He stops at their feet, gazing down at them with ovate amulet eyes of distorted blue.

“Who are you?” asks the agonised man through fearful breaths.

“Chayse God,” the killer answers. “Gentleman Mage.”

 

It is the afternoon when Chayse takes to the streets, but the day is still suffused with a matutine light that forgives the sunken darkness he has cultivated beneath his eyes and the late start that serves to confess this cosmetic misdemeanour. The streets upon which he walks are those of an empire, and the irksome fact that they are also technically the streets of its only city just makes them seem more alive.

In the fractious years before Chayse’s birth, the dominion of Great Europe shattered, and the former hub of an entire civilisation is now merely a cosmopolitan superpower. The returning masses of proud Europeans from the colonies reinforced the city’s population, and the addition of a word, “New”, to Great Europe’s name consolidated its majesty, giving it a regal air to replace the lost power of the crown. An empire’s shadow is a brighter thing than the full light of a common nation, and the citizenry’s size and enduring dignity allowed it to deal fairly well with its state’s shortened reach, proving the annexed appellation to be the only real concession to insecurity.

The inconsistency of the architecture throughout this metropolis is a charming testament to its age, and the only feature that is even slightly pervasive is the virtuosity of its design. Grand white facades are rarely far from modest edifices of old stone, and baroque mouldings casually flaunt their garish appeal across from teal shingles that exist in relative humility. Indeed, the occasional building will even display this incongruity on an individual scale, cheerily exhibiting modern additions on its ancient structure. The development of a reliance on magically assisted construction is not particularly hard to detect for an attentive eye; its influence on the various design ideals of different eras is obvious. The age of uniform aesthetics has passed, however, and the city’s patchwork nature is now explicitly embraced.

Chayse approaches his destination, a particularly audacious building that has weathered more revisions than its neighbours. This is the headquarters of Chayse’s employers, the Cental Hermetics Agency of New Great Europe. It is the schizophrenic embodiment of awkwardly cooperative purposes, precariously maintaining the stark officiousness of a bank as it exudes the seductive perdition of a haunted mansion. It is a debauched hedonist’s answer to the Tower of Babel, continually redesigning itself to emphasise different aspects of its dark, protean splendour. To Chayse, it bears the mien of a mythic hotel, and he gazes up at it with a soft fondness that he has kept throughout his tenure by the virtue of his diligent disregard for punctuality.

In blithe stride across the golden marble floor of the lobby, Chayse is oblivious to the perfunctory greetings of the receptionist, placing his focus solely on the elevator on the room’s far side. As he approaches its polished crimson doors, which stand in defiant contrast against cavernous obsidian walls, he gives silent thanks to whatever gods or assorted apportioners of fate have allowed him to work in an office of such garish design, though any listening deities would perhaps be tired of these prayers by now.

His ride to the penultimate floor of the tower is a dreamy one, and nothing encroaches on his reverie but the faint mixture of ethereal music and the soft hum of the arcane energies that propel him up towards his destination. He steps out from the lift into the wide, carpeted hallways, proceeding to the far end where the agency’s chief officer dwells.

“Good afternoon, Agent God,” lilts a receptionist’s voice. “Mr Bordello is waiting for you.”
“Thanks,” Chayse replies, sparing a brief nod as he continues towards the officer’s door. “I hope that he hasn’t been waiting long.”

“Then your hopes are as vain as you are.” A tall black chair, oriented towards a window at the end of the spacious office, whirls around to reveal the speaker as Chayse enters.

“Ah! Michael! It’s great to see you,” Chayse exclaims as he takes a seat before his superior’s desk.

“I could almost say the same,” the sturdy, unshaven man on the other side mutters. “Get the door, will you?”

“I’m already sitting.”

“I think that we need to discuss your behaviour on last night’s mission,” Bordello continues, ignoring his guest’s refusal.

“What? I hardly expected you to be troubled by a bit of excessive brutality.”

“It wasn’t the brutality I was referring to,” Bordello says sternly, motioning with a callous hand towards the soiled dress that Chayse still wears.

“Oh. I hardly expected you to be troubled by that either.”

“This was supposed to be a reconnaissance mission! Follow the spies. Get proof of their allegiances. No one told you to kill them!”
“I thought that it was implied.”

“Why would it be implied?”

“Isn’t it always?”

“It . . . It usually is, I suppose. But I can’t see how you intend to remain undetected when you’re dressed in all this business!”

“Undetected? I thought that I was acting more in the capacity of an agent provocateur. Draw them out. Get them to profess their intentions against the state. Sort of thing.”

“And did you do that?”

“Obviously, they’re seeking to destabilise this agency and the great nation it serves. For what other reason would they try to kill me?”

“I’m leaving this discussion for now. We have more pressing matters at hand. One thing, though. Be honest. How long have you been wearing that thing?”

“Since that little palace raid in Moscow.”

“The uprising? That was three weeks ago.”

“Yes.”

“Fantastic.” Michael sighed. “Look. The situation in Teutonia, it’s . . . Well, it’s been in a constant state of deterioration since that jackboot Manich son-of-a-bitched his way into power 30 years ago, but things just got worse.”

“Isn’t that what things do? I thought that we’d given up on Teutonia for the moment. Let things sit for a while. Hasn’t that been the plan?”

“Ordinarily, yes. Top marks for attention, Chayse. But we’ve just received a disturbing bit of information. Or . . . Noticed, more like. Do you recall working with an agent of ours by the name of Fortunado?”

“Of course. He’s an old friend. Fortunado Binks.”

“Actually, I believe he prefers to go by ‘Lamour’ these days.”

“Yes, I suppose he would, wouldn’t he?” quips a new voice at the door. It is a raw, honest voice, and its plebeian undertones belie the subdued sartorial elegance of the diminutive speaker as he closes the office door behind him. As he pulls up a chair by the desk, he glares at Chayse. “A name like ‘Binks’ doesn’t really gel with that darkly romantic image you poncy nobles try ever so hard to cultivate, does it?”

“Ah! Jonathan!” cries Michael in relief. “Thanks for getting the door. What took you so long? I’ve just been . . . Well, I’ve been with Chayse.”

“Sorry, sir. I had a thing.”

“Fair enough. Chayse, I believe you know Jonathan Estmort, our Agent Leroy?”

“We have been acquainted.”

“Sad but true,” sighs Leroy. “Anyway. What’s all this about?”

“I’ve just been briefing Mr God on a new situation Lamour’s gotten himself into. Fortunado took a leave of absence a couple of months back, but he was due to return two weeks ago.

“So? It wouldn’t be the first time that brat’s taken an extended vacation. I’m not seeing the fuss.”

“The fuss is that two weeks is ridiculous even for him!”

“Or me,” murmurs Chayse, raising a hand.

“Or you. Yes, thank you, Chayse. Even that’s not what’s got me worried. His last known location was near Teutonia, and we haven’t heard from the boy in weeks. Needless to say, a bit of foul play’s been suspected.”

“You must be joking,” says Leroy. “You expect us to go on a wild hunt for some dissipated aristocrat? He’s probably just drunk off his ass in the bottom of some hostel somewhere.”

“Naked,” Chayse adds.

“Yes. Drunk and naked. As is his custom. Why are we even wasting breath on this fool?”

“Foolish though he may be, the agency considers Lamour an asset and, if I’ve slept well, I often agree. Given the average Teuton’s reaction to a European nobleman, I rather doubt there’s a hostel in the region that would take him alive, clad or no.”

Pausing for a moment, Michael stands and turns to the window. After a few seconds of thought, he turns back to the seated pair and places his hands firmly on the desk.

“There’s no time for arguing, nor’s there much point. There’s a zeppelin on the roof, and I want you two on it quick-like. Pack your smiles, boys. You’re off for Teutonia.”


Sunday
Feb032013

Cannibal Bastards

I’m not sure that I’m entirely appreciative of the way in which one’s tastes in entertainment inform pride.

Sometimes it just seems like a lewd throwback to the conquest culture that was so prevalent among all of those primitive, misogynistic eras from which modernity longs to remove itself. The cosmopolitan attitudes that now spread across the world loudly announce their disgust at the idea that a man should seek to seduce comely girls for the sake of pride. Sex is finally a thing to be desired for its own sake, and the libido is the rightful beneficiary of the satisfaction it provides. The ego must be gratified through other means. Perhaps that is why the particular art one enjoys now serves as a mark of worth, but the effect is similarly insidious.

If one should not feel pride for the nameless body that recently wandered out of one’s bed and life, why should one feel it for the book that sits on the nightstand? A father may feel some pride for his daughter as an author does for his novel, but the husband and the fan should be content to appreciate their loves.

The consumption of fiction can be a powerful experience, but the same can be said of anthropophagy. In both cases, the act should be enjoyed for its own sake instead of some imagined boon that is supposed to result from it. Like the pagan who believed that he could gain the strength of his enemy by eating his heart, the cultured pedant feels that his own power is increased by the simple act of devouring the delicately prepared dish that he has selected for sustenance.

One can taste human flesh without making a lifestyle out of it, but I must confess to the occasional abhorrent feeling at the rampant cannibal who defines himself by the stories he serves at his feasts. He is but a lonely narrative of flesh, sucking the marrow from the lifeless bones of brethren whose only misfortune was birth from less autonomous media.

Criticism is mindlessly ambitious taxidermy of a sort that quickly becomes grotesque. The most profound display of its depravity’s depth comes from the practitioner that takes the death of the author into his own hands, using the opportunity to craft perverted interpretations into twisted jackalopes of meaning.

Original intention? Integrity? Integrity makes the paleontologist a fossil.

Though my experience has not shown me that the position of such charlatans is often held by those who seek to create true glories, I fear not the contrivances of these mad showmen. Their fabricated chimeras are inevitably relegated to the dusty shelves of neglected museums, and they rarely provide lasting harm.

Consumption is still an enjoyable and worthy activity, and it is certainly one in which I indulge, but I don’t generally like to consume the fiction I truly respect. That stuff requires a different ritual.

You’ve got to fight it. You’re ready. It knows that. The dance has to be a worthy one, and you’ve got to be worthy too. Of course you are. You always were. You’ve been ready to take on any conceivable story since you first popped into this world, mewling in choleric pentameter through tears of ink. Skin the beast! Flay it while it still lives. Wear its hide like the impenetrable pelt of some ancient demonic lion from a numinous age. Let the lingering blood run down your skin.

Perhaps you’ll fashion bones into stylish and reasonably practical weapons. Mix its juices into the wine of your friends.

What are you going to do with the remains? It’s probably best to go with whatever springs to mind. Your first thought is to throw it on a pyre. Make a sacrifice to some patriarchal god. A peace offering? Yes. A peace offering on behalf of some fire thief of whom you have definitely never heard. He sounds like a handsome fellow, though. You give your regards to the sky father, but you really must be on your way now. You apologise for your inability to stay and chat. You’ve got to be moving along. Places to go. People to see. You’ve got this lovely new coat to show off.

In any case, that’s how I do it.


Sunday
Jan272013

Illumination

The natural comfort this apartment offered when it first became mine is still intact. The recent problems with the air conditioning system, a normally stolid generator of warmth that would bring torrid doom to any man who did not court heat so fervently, have done nothing significant to diminish my love for the room. During the earliest days of my tenancy, I noted the faintest shiver of trepidation over the thought of the conditions that my first winter would bring, though I was quickly calmed when I was informed of regulations on building temperatures that would guard against my frigid fears.

The only enduring sliver of nervous anticipation I've ever had for my room's future came into being slightly later. I walked into my bathroom upon one afternoon to discover that a new dimness had come to occupy that cramped space.

I should mention that my disregard for the aesthetics of my surroundings does not simply extend to the realm of the porcelain throne. Instead, it crosses the border into that musty zone and expands. It breaks off and forms a new empire of disregard, taking a dirty beige shower curtain for its flag. 

For this very reason, the lowering of the light in that section of my apartment was not enough to bother me, but it made me aware of the possibility that the remote reaches of future months would see the demise of the bulb that brought tender and dependable illumination to the main room.

I have changed bulbs in my time, but I have always done so after long years in which I was able to develop intimate, trusting relationships with the fixtures that held them. Though the presence of this light has consistently provided me with pleasant company, those erstwhile bonds have not been matched. I suspect the presence of unruly matter within the confines of its translucent dome. There was one summer day on which I returned from work to find a solitary leaf that dangled ominously on a thread attached to its glass. I still don't know what to do with that.

The situation is exacerbated by its location directly above my desk. I do not desire to know what rogue particles could fall and mix themselves in amongst the fairly sterile clutter that adorns my table.

On Friday, I rose to turn on the light, seeking the extra motivation that it generally bestows upon a body in the middle of its escape from slumber. Though I had dutifully switched it off before I lay myself down on the previous night, it would not come on. The remaining daylight convinced me to delay my concerns on the matter and go about normal business.

While I wandered the streets, two things befell me. One was the early darkness of winter, and the other was the realisation that the potentially fearful changing of the bulb could be postponed further by the acquisition of an obsolete lamp from the desk of my father's vacant study. 

When I returned from this journey, I eagerly plugged it in and oriented it towards the ceiling, allowing it to cast a new glow that only served to enhance the amniotic ambience of the apartment. It still looks slightly weird when I look directly at the celing, but that's basically what ceilings are for anyway. I have now convinced myself that I will never need to change the original bulb, and this makes me happy.

Sunday
Jan202013

Left Field Bolt Blues

I just want to take a moment to share one thing I love about the American government. I don't really know whether it's unique to them, but I think that it's pretty admirable. 

You know that narrative device by which things occur that are unthinkable even within the world of the story? Did you ever see "Battleship"? Great movie. Terrible movie. I've probably made a post about it at some point. In any case, Taylor Kitsch's surname is totally appropriate for the types of movies he makes.

No. Wait. That wasn't the point.

Anyway, aliens come down on American soldiers, and no one has any idea about what can be done to stop them.

In reality, it probably wouldn't work out exactly like that. There's some drawer in the government that resembles the mind of the craziest conspiracy theorist. It has plans for alien invasions. For zombie outbreaks. For any number of things that go beyond the experience of humanity.

Unlike the conspiracy theorists, they don't do it because they think that these things are ever going to happen. They do it because they think that they won't happen.

The strategists train themselves to be prepared for things that won't ever require preparation because they want to be prepared for situations in which preparation isn't an option. Aliens and zombies aren't the point. The point is a system that teaches ideal reactions to scenarios that could never be imagined.

I just think that that's pretty awesome.